Once upon a time, in Egypt, there lived King Rhampsinitus. He had a problem. A very good problem to have, too much treasure! This weighed heavily on the King's mind. Where was he to put it all and keep it safe from all wrongdoers. He decided he needed a treasure house, but not just any treasure house. It needs to be secure and well guarded.
A builder was selected. He was extremely skilled and accepted the contract. The construction went well and the grand storeroom was built swiftly and with grand adornments to illustrate the King's opulence. Through out the project, the builder had his official and a set of secret ones. He knew the King had wealth, so much in fact, that he wouldn't notice if some of it were to walk away. Under the cover of darkness, he continued to work, and continued to create a secret entrance for himself. A single false rock is all it would take.
Eventually, The storeroom was finished and the treasure securely tucked away and guarded by the King's warriors. The builder was planning his robbery when he fell deathly ill. Knowing that his end was near, he turned to his two sons. He told them where to find the secret plans to the storehouse and what they could hope to find inside.
When their father passed on, the two brother's began their plot. They traveled to storehouse. The guards patrols were randomized, but the brother's still slipped to where the false rock was placed. Out of the sight of the towers and covered by an overhang in the exquisite exterior. They swiftly removed the rock and stepped in, one by one, they placed their footsteps carefully. Any sound or disturbance could spell their end. They came to the main area and beheld the glory of the King's stores. Mountains of gold and jewelry lined the walls with the center filled with the King's finest robes. They scurried towards the gold and hauled as much as they could carry out to their escape.
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As they departed, after carefully replacing the stone, they moved through the shadows, careful to avoid the soldier's gaze. As they were about to leave the area. Before returning home, the two stopped at their Father's grave and each left a piece. Returning home, they hid their spoils as to not upset their mother who had already gone through so much.
The next night, they argued over whether they would return to gain more wealth. The eldest said this was enough and they should be grateful to even be back and unsuspected. The younger craved more and wanted to ensure their mother and easy life. They argued back and forth with the younger eventually deciding to take on the endeavor himself.
He followed the same path as before and the guards routine hadn't changed, so he found his way easily. Tugging on the stone he attempts to remove it, but it does not budge. He panics and thinks that maybe this is the wrong one. He tries another and another and another another another. How could this happen, what went wrong? The brother tries to trek back, but guards re waiting for him.
The King kept a close count of his gold and when he noticed some unaccounted for, he had the guards ready to bait the robber back. They had checked every part of the storehouse and found the secret entrance and sealed it. The brother was taken in and imprisoned for the crime of robbery.
The King then had his guards issue an announcement in the morning that a thief had been caught. The news reached the eldest brother, and he now had to answer to his mother for both himself and his sibling. The mother wailed and convinced the brother to take the gold and return to the King and beg forgiveness. Once there, the two brothers were imprisoned for a number of years and the King reclaimed his bounty.
Bibliography: Egypt: The Tale of King Rhampsinitus by Donald Mackenzie
Author's Note: I initially did not deviate much from the story. The difference begin in the second half after they steal treasure. In the original, the author had the brothers come back repeatedly as the king upped the amount of traps and guards until a brother fell into a trap and had to be killed by his brother so that both could survive. The brother then has to go back and steal back the body for his mother. Then the King's daughter is sent to find the thief, which she did, but when she tried to grab him, the thief had his dead brother's arm ready to be grabbed as a fake. This part is what made we want to change it because it's just weird to carry around your dead brother's arm. The story ended w the king being amused and pardoning the brother if he revealed himself.
Hi Zeeshawn!
ReplyDeleteI like how you kept the beginning of the story quite close to the original, but then branched off and did your own thing!
What made you decide to take the notable shift away from the original plot of the story? You mentioned the part about the brother's arm, but if that was all, it would have been relatively easy to just change that rather than branching the story much earlier on.
Your story was good, but I think it might improve the story if you were to take an editing pass to make sure the whole of the story was written in past tense. Much of the story was in past tense, but some parts weren't, which made them stick out as being a bit off.
Hey, Zeeshawn!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story, and I think your adaptation makes much more sense than the original tale. I'm especially glad you omitted the part where one brother carries his brother's arm around. It also seems likely that the eldest would be wise and not return to the storehouse, whereas the youngest would be naïve and greedy. Did you think about what would've happened if the younger brother hadn't gone back? For example, do you think he and his older brother would've kept the money and showed it to their mother, or would they have kept it a secret from their mother? I think that's another thing that's great about your story; it can go in so many directions. I think it would've been cool to include a bit of dialogue in your story, maybe between the king and the builder or between the two brothers; it may help engage the reader more and give the tale a greater sense of cohesion.